Why

My heartbeat slowed down. I drowned my thoughts with useless TV shows and a stupid game on my phone. I thought the barbed wire had loosened; that this wave of grief had washed over me; that I could rest until the next near-drowning. 

I was wrong. 

I’ve been awake all night. My mind hasn’t stopped. My heart is beating out of my chest. My throat is so tight, I cannot breathe. I am almost certain that my heart has been pierced by something small and very, very sharp. 

I am trying to keep my sobs quiet. I don’t want to wake Tim. There is nothing he could say or do to free me.

There is one thought, and one thought alone racing around my head. And I am screaming it as loud as I can. I am screaming at God. My cheeks burn from the constant wiping of tears. My pillow is soaked. 

Why? ....... Why? ....... Why? .... Why?... Why?.. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

But I am left with no answer. I’ll never have an answer. I’ll never know why I couldn’t keep him; why He had to take him; why my heart had to be shattered this way; why I needed to be tested like this; why I needed to suffer like this; why did He take my baby.......

"Everything happens for a reason." What does that even mean? What possible reason could there be for all of this pain; for this loss? What purpose does it serve to have a woman conceive and carry a child - for however long - only to take that life back? Why? Why?

"God never gives us more than we can handle." So, I was too strong? I needed to be taken down a peg or two. This was his way of checking me. So, I was stronger than another woman, so I had to lose my baby? Why did anyone have to lose a baby? Why?

People tell me all the time that I have an angel looking over me; that Joseph is always with me. That's all fine and good, but the truth is that I don't want an angel looking over me, I want Joseph. I would give almost anything to have him with me; to hold him. I have never felt pain so deep, so all-encompassing. Why? Why does it have to hurt so damn bad?

I have no answer. I'll never have an answer. But, what I do have is my faith. I don't believe God took Joseph to punish us or to flex His muscle to let us know that He is God. I don't believe God is cruel or unkind. What I do know is that God takes us when we are most ready, whenever that may be. So I have to believe that Joseph was ready; that maybe God was sparing him a life of pain. Maybe God sent Joseph to me so that he would know love, deep love. So that I would appreciate love; so that I would know pain; so that I would grow. Joseph changed me, maybe God knew I needed that change.

I don't know much but what I do know is that our darkest hour tends to lead to the brightest light. I know that when I was in the throes of postpartum depression, I asked the same question. "Why? What purpose does this serve?" I didn't have an answer then either, but with time, I saw how much I had grown; how much stronger I became; how much more willing to love and forgive I became. I don't know if this loss will yield similar results, but I have hope. 

Today, in yet another twisted way, I am thankful for this pain. I am thankful for it because it has reinforced my faith; my belief in God. I have to have faith. I have to believe that I will see Joseph again; that I will get a chance to hold him; that I will hear his voice, his laugh. I have to believe that someday I will be whole again. Losing Joseph has rooted my faith even deeper; it has called me closer to God; closer to trusting His plan.