It all happens for a reason...

We hosted a birthday party for our daughter, Lauren, this past weekend. It was a beautiful day, filled with friends, cupcakes, cookies and, of course, margaritas. But it was also filled with something that I’ve been left turning over and over in my head, and that is the topic of Charlie Kirk. 

 

So, long story not so short…

Many of our friends come from various backgrounds. Some are religious but do not attend any church; some are non-domination Christian; some are Catholic like us; and some that do not follow or maybe don’t believe in God in any capacity. Some are politically more democratic; some are conservative; some don’t care. So, we have a wide group. 

 

I asked one of these friends, who is a police officer out here, if he was a part of the team that assisted in the motorcade for Charlie Kirk. During the election, that’s all our friend did. He was constantly out there providing care and safety for both Biden and Trump; for Kamala and Vance. We joked about how annoying it was to be a battleground state because there would be several last-minute stops in our area and it almost always shut down freeways and roads – for hours! Anyway, yes. He was on the tarmac when Charlie Kirk’s body arrived home. He said it broke his heart to watch.

 

This question about his involvement sparked a conversation about who Charlie Kirk was and one question a friend of mine (non-dom Christian) asked has been ringing in my ears since she said it. “Why would God let such an awful thing happen?” I knew the answer the minute she asked it. But, I didn’t answer. I didn’t answer because even though I have come to terms with some particular truths that have allowed me to know this answer, I knew that it wasn’t something easily explained or understood. 

 

Looking back, I feel like I did a disservice to God, to my faith, to my friends, even, to the memory of Charlie Kirk, who so fearlessly spoke about his faith and his understandings of his faith. So here I am. It has bothered me for three days now. So, I will give my answer here – with the preface that I am no theologian; I am simply speaking from my experiences. 

 

I first asked this question when I held my son in my arms. I had just delivered him. He was so tiny that his entire body fit in my hands. His eyes were closed shut; he never uttered a cry; his chest never rose and fell beneath my hand; he was already gone. The room was quiet, almost peaceful. There was no loud wailing; just silent tears that dripped endlessly from our eyes. I remember holding our son, Joseph, and leaning on Tim, saying “why would God do this to me? Why even let me conceive this child only to take him away from me?” In that moment, there were no answers, only a quiet, deep grief that gripped my very soul. 

 

Over the next few weeks, I began to see a change in me. The biggest being, that I somehow had absolutely no doubt that God existed; that this had happened in my life for some reason. As weeks went on, they did bloodwork after bloodwork to try and find an answer. While there is no confirmed answer as to why this perfectly healthy baby died, they found that I had a blood clotting issue. One I’d likely had my whole life; one that the doctor said could have taken my life. 

The easy answer is to say that we lost our son and found a major health issue. That this is why God allowed this. I know that doesn’t bring much comfort and other questions like “well why couldn’t God have alerted you in another way?” Sure. This back and forth could go on and on. But the real reason, I think, was to spark the change that took place in me; in who I am as a woman. You see, after the initial grief began to dim, I grew in my faith. I remember thinking, there is no way in hell I will not make it to heaven to hold my son. I began prioritizing church, whereas before my mentality was “if we go we go.” Since losing Joseph, we have rarely missed mass – even when were out of town. I became firmer in my faith, more willing to speak about it or tell people when they asked about the crucifix in my home what it was; who I was. 

 

So. Here is the answer you’ve been waiting for… why God allows childhood cancer, why God allows people to be killed, why bad things happen to good people…

 

1. Free will. Free will is your ticket into the kingdom of heaven. When people think of free will they tend to think of only the bad that people choose to do. But free will, in my perspective, is the will to choose eternity with Christ. I choose to do good; I choose to follow the teachings of God; I choose to raise my children in the faith. God giving us free will is not Him giving us a free pass to do harm to others, free will is God extending His hand to His imperfect children and saying, “Choose Me. Choose to follow Me and I will give you eternal life with Me in heaven.” We’re all extended this freedom; it is up to us what we do with it. God will not force you to spend eternal life with Him, but He does invite you. Sometimes, it is through the way others choose to use their free will that cause a shift in the way someone else may choose to use theirs. Childhood cancer is awful; its heartbreaking; I pray to God that I never have to face that. But, of all the stories I've read of children with cancer and their families, it is almost always a story of peace, of faith, of grief, of pain, and somehow in the midst of all of that it is a powerful, uplifting story of resilience and change.

2. Continuing on that idea, in my experience, God calls us to suffer, not because he wants us to be in pain but because it is through suffering that we are called to be closer to God. People don't typically turn to God when things are going great; its in the darkness and fear that they usually turn to God. And He is there. He answers. He may not give you what you want, but He is there. He is with you. He wraps you in His love and walks through the pain. It is here that we can humble ourselves to begin to know His love for us; to truly see it. God allows these things to happen because they ignite a fire in those who are seeking a spark. Look at Charlie Kirk. The man was loud, outspoken, and proud to speak of his faith. Why would God take such a brave and humble servant? Why silence him? But I challenge you to look more closely. God did not silence him. Turn on the news. Listen to those around you. I have heard the words “Christ” and “Lord and Savior” on repeat over every news show, on the radio, in conversations. Charlie Kirk was called home. Only God can call us home. But his death was not in vein. In my humble opinion, God allowed this man to be martyred so that others would open their ears to the message of God. I have read so many stories of people saying how they never believed in God; never went to church; but this past weekend, they attended. That is God. That is God reaching people through Charlie Kirk. The goal for us on earth is to get to heaven; to better ourselves; to do good; to choose God. We are not perfect, we are called to better ourselves. The death of this man, while tragic and heartbreaking, has shattered this cone of silence over so many. What a gift.  

3. Sometimes, we ask perfectly valid questions, but we just aren’t ready to hear the answer. I didn’t understand this until months after I lost Joseph, because I had to slowly go through the grief to come to an understanding. I equate this to when my kids ask me questions that they aren’t at the age of understanding the answer. I tell them that they aren’t ready, but when the time comes I will tell them everything they need to know. But, perhaps, in our humanity, our pride, we feel that God owes us an answer and we so easily dismiss Him and choose not to grow. In our arrogance, instead of seeing that God is walking through our pain with us, we push Him away because what happened does not align with our plans; our hopes; our dreams for ourselves; and worst of all we tell ourselves that God did this to us; that God isn't answering us. 

 

In my experience, God lives in the quiet. He doesn’t yell or scream at you, but he waits for you in the quiet moments. Put your phone down and invite Him in. If you are looking for answers, maybe just start there. Understand that maybe we aren’t ready to understand. 

One of my favorite stories of my son, Nicholas, was when he began his catechism classes in kindergarten. He got in the car and he was so very angry with Tim and I. He was fuming. So we asked him what had happened and he shouted at us, “How could you never tell me that I was adopted?” We were so confused. We wondered if his older brother had told him this as a joke, but as Nick went on to explain, he pointed his little finger the sky and said “God the FATHER!”  Tim and I laughed so hard. The sweet innocence of that little boy held a key that many people seem to lose. God is our Father. He loves us the way we love our children. He wants us to do good; to be successful; He wants the best for us; but just like us as parents, sometimes we have to get out of the way and let our children fall so that they can get up and start again. 

 

I don’t know if any of this helps. It helps me. I know that Charlie Kirk did not die in vain. I do believe this man, even though we were not of the same denomination, to be a martyr for God. I pray that you can quiet your mind and open your heart to God; I pray that you invite Him in. I can assure you of one thing, life with Christ is beautiful; no, I am not without trials and tribulations, but I live in the safety net of “through Christ I can do all things; bare all things” and I know this to be true.