I am resilient

November is finally here, officially kicking off our busy season… which is kind of laughable since we’ve been on the go since August. But, November ushers in Tim’s busy work schedule, which means he’ll have to work longer days and more Saturdays. 

Of course, November is also home to Thanksgiving, which I refer to as the large feast that kicks off the Christmas season. But, this morning, when Zack asked more about it, I opted for the mature parent option and discussed what it meant to be thankful. He didn’t care much and quickly moved on to talking about his Halloween candy. 

This year I have learned new things about myself, about suffering, about love, about my husband, about my family, about life. It has reshaped me in so many ways. This year has been rough, but it has not been without blessings. So, this year, I am taking a page from an old friend of mine, and I am going to use these 28 days to reflect on what I am most thankful for in life. 

Today, I am thankful for my resilience. 

The other day was terrible. My children had morphed into monsters, things were breaking, we were running late, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I didn’t want to be a mom that day. All I wanted was to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and cry until I fell asleep. Days like this happen every so often. They are made especially hard when the negative self-talk rears its ugly head.

So, there I was, sitting in my doctor’s office, when she asked me, “so how are you doing?”I could feel it, all of this emotion storming inside of me. In a brief second, I thought about the day and all that had gone wrong; I thought about Joseph; I thought about how tired I was; I thought about quitting. But then, I took a deep breath and said, “I refuse to break, so I'm okay.”Once the words crossed my lips, everything inside me settled. 

On my way home, I thought about those words, I refuse to break. 

I refuse to break.

I have been broken before, and I refuse to break again. 

I know it gets old. I know I probably refer to it too often, but when I faced postpartum depression, I broke. It was the most challenging time of my life – thus far. Yes, even more challenging than losing Joseph. Every day of that depression, I faced the worst side of myself; of my thoughts. I wanted to escape; I felt trapped; I saw nothing but darkness. But, as I came through it, I found out how strong I really am. I identified my anxiety and its telltale signs; I created a routine for myself; I fought for myself. I began to learn how to shut out those negative thoughts. I became resilient. 

This resilience has helped me through many a bad day. It has pushed me those last few hours of tantrum filled days till we've safely arrived at bedtime. It has pulled me out of bed on those mornings, especially after losing Joseph, when I didn’t want to “mom” anymore. It has helped me stay on top of my own mental health, and it has forced me to talk about things that I would have otherwise buried deep inside of myself. I know what a bad is; what it feels like; how dark it is; how it traps you. I have seen the ugliest, darkest side of myself, and I refuse to go back there. They say that people who have faced deep depression, and have come out of it, live in fear of ever going back. I can’t speak for everyone, but I certainly have this fear. 

Depression comes in many forms, and some people may be facing depression without even realizing it. Depression varies in severity and, at least for me, can come on almost out of nowhere. Before facing postpartum depression, I had bouts of mild depression without even knowing it. I attributed most of the symptoms to my personality, my outlook on life, it was just a part of me. Before facing postpartum depression, I could not identify things that would set depression into motion, and I had no idea how to combat those things. 

So, today. I am grateful for postpartum depression. I am thankful for all of the dark days because they only make the good days shine brighter. I am thankful for all of the lessons motherhood has taught me. I am thankful for love, which has always found a way to triumph over darkness. I am thankful for hope, without which I would have never come through my darkest days. I am thankful for my resilience.

Depression can easily hide behind a smile.

Here, I was a week in and had officially been diagnosed with PPD.

I was miserable. I wanted to disappear. I was disconnected.

Who knows how much worse it could have been if I had not gotten the help I needed.