I still carry you...
For as long as I can remember, I have loved poetry. Not all poetry, just some. A few pieces have stuck with me and I call upon them so often.
I remember the night before we had to go to the hospital. I remember repeating lines of poetry in my head. Sometimes I feel like they don't make sense, but in those moments they gave me strength and helped me through.
One poem that I have loved and tell to my boys daily, is If by Rudyard Kipling. "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you" "if all men count with you, but none too much" "If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same." But that night, I kept repeating "if you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them, hold on!"
Another all-time favorite is A Psalm of Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. This whole poem is inspirational to me, but in my darkest moments of that night, I kept remembering "Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul" and "trust no future, howe'er pleasant! Let the dead Past bury its dead! Act, - act in the living present! Heart within and God o'erhead!"
As silly as it may sound, I repeated those lines in my head. With the poem If, it encouraged me to do exactly what I didn't want to do - to force my heart and nerve and sinew To serve my turn in this unbearable pain; to hold on, even though there is nothing in me except the will to hold on; to keep my head up; to meet with this disaster head-on. I kept telling myself that he was in a better place; a place that I wanted to be in, someday; that even though his little body had failed him, his soul had not and would not; It reminded me that I must act, that I had no choice but to act, in the living present.
Still, 11 weeks and 4 days later, I use poetry to remind myself to go on; to miss him; to grieve.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-Funeral Blues; W. H. Auden
I find ways to cope. Poetry helps.
My sweet Tim found me the most precious piece of jewelry. It meant so much to me when it came in the mail. It is another reminder of our sweet boy and another piece of poetry I often quote.
Here is the beautiful message behind the necklace:
Sometimes in life there are losses. Losses that can never really be replaced. Losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live with. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to let you leave. I would give anything for just one more day, just one more second, but I've learned to trust in unconditional love. Because the one profound thing about death is that love never dies. Some bonds cannot be broken because even though you're not physically here, your heart is - it lives on within me. I carry your heart inside mine. I carry it on days when I learn something new. I carry it on days when beauty unfolds in the most unexpected places. I carry it on days when I find courage to heal and grow. I carry it with me - always. Someday we will meet again - and we will no longer be separated by time or space. But until that day, I'll find comfort in knowing that you are still with me. Your heart safely tucked inside mine. Some hearts just belong together and nothing will ever change that. I loved you then. I love you now. Always did. Always will. Forever in my mind. Forever in my heart. I will carry you.
It's reminiscent of E. E. Cummings "I Carry Your Heart," which I also repeat to myself. "I carry your heart with me - I carry it in my heart. I am never without it - anywhere I go you go."
Needless to say, I balled my eyes out and think its one of my most prized possessions.
I remember the night before we had to go to the hospital. I remember repeating lines of poetry in my head. Sometimes I feel like they don't make sense, but in those moments they gave me strength and helped me through.
One poem that I have loved and tell to my boys daily, is If by Rudyard Kipling. "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you" "if all men count with you, but none too much" "If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same." But that night, I kept repeating "if you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them, hold on!"
Another all-time favorite is A Psalm of Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. This whole poem is inspirational to me, but in my darkest moments of that night, I kept remembering "Dust thou art, to dust returnest, Was not spoken of the soul" and "trust no future, howe'er pleasant! Let the dead Past bury its dead! Act, - act in the living present! Heart within and God o'erhead!"
As silly as it may sound, I repeated those lines in my head. With the poem If, it encouraged me to do exactly what I didn't want to do - to force my heart and nerve and sinew To serve my turn in this unbearable pain; to hold on, even though there is nothing in me except the will to hold on; to keep my head up; to meet with this disaster head-on. I kept telling myself that he was in a better place; a place that I wanted to be in, someday; that even though his little body had failed him, his soul had not and would not; It reminded me that I must act, that I had no choice but to act, in the living present.
Still, 11 weeks and 4 days later, I use poetry to remind myself to go on; to miss him; to grieve.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-Funeral Blues; W. H. Auden
I find ways to cope. Poetry helps.
My sweet Tim found me the most precious piece of jewelry. It meant so much to me when it came in the mail. It is another reminder of our sweet boy and another piece of poetry I often quote.
Sometimes in life there are losses. Losses that can never really be replaced. Losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live with. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to let you leave. I would give anything for just one more day, just one more second, but I've learned to trust in unconditional love. Because the one profound thing about death is that love never dies. Some bonds cannot be broken because even though you're not physically here, your heart is - it lives on within me. I carry your heart inside mine. I carry it on days when I learn something new. I carry it on days when beauty unfolds in the most unexpected places. I carry it on days when I find courage to heal and grow. I carry it with me - always. Someday we will meet again - and we will no longer be separated by time or space. But until that day, I'll find comfort in knowing that you are still with me. Your heart safely tucked inside mine. Some hearts just belong together and nothing will ever change that. I loved you then. I love you now. Always did. Always will. Forever in my mind. Forever in my heart. I will carry you.
It's reminiscent of E. E. Cummings "I Carry Your Heart," which I also repeat to myself. "I carry your heart with me - I carry it in my heart. I am never without it - anywhere I go you go."
Needless to say, I balled my eyes out and think its one of my most prized possessions.
