Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Already a bad mom....

It's been one heck of a week since my last post. I am a complete mixture of mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.


After I found out we were expecting I realized that the baby would have to come out - one way or the other. Needless to say, I was terrified. I spent the first few months just not thinking about it. My mom and Tim offered much encouragement each time I expressed my fear but nothing seemed to help.

These last few weeks I've realized that I have to face reality, so I decided to express my concerns to my doctor. She was more than helpful. She just knew what to say to help me find that confidence in myself. So I've spent this last month or so completely confident that I would be able to deliver this baby.....until birthing class.

One night in this class was all it took to shut down my confidence train. I get that the purpose of the class is to be informative but they really seemed to harp on how painful this whole process will be. I'm beginning to think that this class was a bad idea.

So the first thing they do is go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, tell what their due date is, what challenges they've faced during their pregnancy and something they've enjoyed about being pregnant. Sure enough, the teacher looked at Tim and I to start everyone off. And...this is where I failed at my first test of motherhood.

I introduce Tim and I, tell everyone the due date and my challenges and then it happened....what I've enjoyed about being pregnant.....I said "I don't have to clean the bathrooms." Everyone laughed and I felt alright...I didn't notice my failure yet....the next couple goes, "feeling the baby move. It's been so special"...the next couple "feeling the baby move".... Two, three more couples "it's been such a blessing to feel the baby move".... Each time a couple would say what they enjoy most, I would sink further and further into my chair. I can't believe I didn't say something sweeter or more related to the baby. I'm already a horrible mother!

In other news my blood work came back and it was still high but not as much as last time, so we're going to wait and see what happens at our next doctor visit. I am still working hard at packing it on but still a little miffed about it.

This week I've also been dealing with sick puppies. Rocks apparently had some sort of bug and Rudy had another seizure. I can barely handle watching Rudy have a seizure. It breaks my heart every time. He doesn't have full blown seizures, he has partial ones, so he is conscious the whole time and aware that something is happening. He does everything he can to get to us but he can't walk and has no control over his body. He can't even stand or lift his tail and you can tell that he's scared. Ugh. I hate it.

How far along: 32 Weeks
Gender:  BOY
Stretch marks: I think they're coming. My belly is starting to look different
Belly button in or out: Still in

Sleep: My biggest challenge 
Best moment this week: Getting a super cute coming home outfit for baby
Miss anything: Sleep
Movement: Lots and lots
Cravings: They're starting but I'm just not sure what I ever want. You know, like I'm craving something but just can't pinpoint what it is
Queasy or sick: Feeling good
Looking forward to: My next appointment to see our growth

WEEKS LEFT: 8 weeks