Monday, November 14, 2011

Growing Pains

As I have said a million times over, life has changed for me! I am still adjusting to these "growing pains" - which I have started to call them. These past few months have taught me about trust, loyalty and what true support really means. But, over all, these past few months have really taught me about me.

I can't say that I didn't know anything about these things or that I never saw these little things in myself, but I am really starting to see me in new lights. I am starting to figure myself out and along this path, I am really starting to accept things about me and others.

When I was little, people always said "Sarah, you're so sweet. Don't ever lose your sweetness". I don't think I've lost that ability, but one or two conflicts in my teen years certainly hardened me a little bit. To this day, events happen and I can feel myself hardening to certain people and/or situations. If I've been down that road once before and it wasn't pleasant, I'm sure as hell not going back down that way.

The last thing I ever want to do or mean to do is hurt other people. However, if someone crosses a line with me, I have no fear of showing them said "crossed" line and making it clear that they are to never cross this way again.

I suppose in this way, I am much like my father. Once I have lost trust in you, chances are it will never be fully restored. I will move on and be pleasant, but things will never return to what they once were - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!" To me, once you have been tagged untrustworthy, you will forever be untrustworthy.

I am not saying that this behavior is right or wrong. In fact, I think that it is based on a case by case basis. But sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choice. All pleasantries will be restored (sometimes it takes a while), but should trust?

I have had many moments of deep thought on who I am and who I want to be. I know that people want me to be the old me or change in a completely new direction. The fact is, I am who I am. I have many faults. I make many stupid decisions. I am always trying to improve. If I am wrong, give me time and I'll admit to it. But I take to heart Shakespeare's words "to thine own self be true"

When I look in the mirror, I cannot hide from me and I have no desire to. I cannot hide from God or my beliefs and I have no desire to. I am accountable to God and myself. And on this, I am solid!

As days pass, my sister, mom and I grow closer - not that we were ever too far apart. I am thankful for them in my life. I am thankful for their kindness, guidance and especially their support. I discuss so many thoughts with them and they have never failed to be honest with me. They are a true example of trust and loyalty. They truly are my best friends.

With all of these changes and this growing up, I have had sad experiences. Things (again) have changed and I know that not everyone is happy about that. The fact is, change is hard. Everyday I am trying to adapt and grow. As with the many things I have learned about myself, I have learned just as much about others. I don't like all of things I have seen, but loving them means loving the things I don't like and moving on. Allowing others to have faults and making allowance for those faults is a big piece of love - "thank you for loving me despite myself."

This is an easy pill to swallow, but a hard reaction for the body - another one of my awful analogies hard at work! It isn't easy, I'll admit it. I have a hard time not getting mad or hurt when someone says or does something hurtful. I am a reactionary person. You push me in a corner, I'll come out swinging - another awful analogy!

I guess what I am trying to say is that my eyes are wide open to the many changes taking place in myself and in my life. I am so happy with my decision to marry Tim. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. It is a beautiful thing. I am embracing these changes and some days I find myself smiling for no reason.

Love is a gift; Trust is a gift; and both should be treated delicately. - I try to remember this everyday!!!

We must "adapt and grow, or be left behind."